As Mom Fades

Most of us will experience the slow decline of a parent or grandparent at some point. I was lucky enough to know all four of my grandparents. But that also meant that I got to witness their ends as well. Only one of them kept all of their faculties until the end. Two had some form of dementia (not Alzheimer’s - they still knew who we were) and one had a stroke, which changed her personality in addition to the mental malfunctioning.

Pain can be managed. The most heartbreaking aspect was their diminishing mental capacity. For me it proved to be worse than their actual demise, because I lost them in bits and pieces before they were truly gone. Somewhere along the line, I became a parent to these people I’d looked to for wisdom all of my life. And sadly, it seemed to subsume the memories I had of them as capable human beings. I knew those memories were in my brain somewhere, but I couldn’t reach them.

When my maternal grandmother died, my mom commented that except for the relief at the end of her suffering, she didn’t feel much of anything because she had actually lost her mom six months earlier when she had the stroke.

Losing people before they actually die really messes with the grief process. In retrospect, I realize I was grieving subconsciously, but I couldn’t give it any conscious consideration. Instead, I was busy helping to manage their care, visiting every few days to let them know they were loved, and as things grew worse, wishing that this hell would be over. Yes, there comes a time when it just becomes so unbearable that death becomes a kindness.

And now it’s happening to my mom…

As an only child her care has fallen to me. So when my husband and I decided to move from Nevada to North Carolina in 2021, we invited my mom, who lived 10 minutes away, to come live with us when we moved. I could tell she was struggling a bit - the isolation imposed by the pandemic didn’t do her any favors - but she wasn’t ready for assisted living. (And of course given the expense, we wanted to put it off as long as possible.)

While I am not certain what we could have done differently, the move also did not do her any favors. Before the pandemic, she had a routine and a little social community - yoga and gardening at the Master Gardener’s gardens once or twice a week. By the time we moved, a year and half had passed in isolation except for seeing us. Life was slowly resuming, but her social routines were still damaged and not in full swing.

I had thought she could make new social routines after we moved, but by this time she really wasn’t capable. She was hesitant to go out on her own, and if I went with her, she hung back letting me engage instead of engaging on her own. Looking back, I think she was having mild memory issues then, and it made her feel insecure. That inability to trust your own memory is a bitch.

And now I have been losing her in bits and pieces.

Fast forward to spring of 2025. It’s now time for my mom to be in assisted living. And actually, it was my mom who brought it up. Despite having memory issues, she is aware that she was keeping my husband and I from living life. In fact, I have not been away from her for more than a weekend at a time since we moved here. She hates being left alone.

I was completely blown away when the cousin my mom had grown up with like a sister reached out and asked to bring my mom back to Kansas for assisted living. (My mom’s cousin who is just a year or two younger is still sharp.) Apparently, they had discussed being in assisted living together as little old ladies. And while my mom’s cousin is not ready for assisted living herself, she wants my mom nearby.

I quizzed my mom’s cousin in every way to insure she really wanted to do this. I even said, “are you sure you want this burden?” Her response? “She’s not a burden, she’s my sister.”

And so this is what is happening. My mom will move to an assisted living facility near her cousin, and I will likely be residing outside of the country. My mom tells me that she is glad we will be living our life and getting out of the country. (She is fully aware of the potential danger posed by this administration.) And she tells me that she will miss me. I can’t bear to tell her how much I’ve already been missing her.