Moving Mom (or Dad) to Assisted Living - What I’ve Learned So Far
We are a week out from moving my mom to her new assisted living apartment. Complicating our move is the fact that the assisted living community is 950 miles away. But aside from that, the considerations are the same.
Research
Cost
My mom will be moving to Wichita, Kansas. In exploring various assisted living communities there, we discovered the costs ranged from $3,800 to up to $10,000 per month. $10,000! Ugh. Yeah, we didn’t choose one of those. (But more power to you if your mom can afford that.) So unless money is no object, be sure to shop around. It can be easy to get discouraged if the first place you happen to call is uber expensive. (And no, they do not post pricing on their websites; you have to call to get this information.)
Attitude of the Staff
My cousin did in-person visits to the various communities we were interested in. Besides collecting pamphlets and touring the facility, she observed how the staff interacted with her and the residents. She noted whether the residents seemed satisfied. And sure enough, in one of the places she visited, the person showing her around seemed aloof and dissatisfied. Was she having a bad day? Or was it a sign of the atmosphere in the entire place? Who knows? But we lost any interest we might have had.
Services
What is your mom getting for her money? Much of this information is available on the website - but not all. For example here is what the website of my mom’s community shows:
24/7 Nursing
Physical, Occupational, & Speech Therapies
Dietary Management
Recreation
Activities
Social Encouragement
Housekeeping/Maintenance
Not on the website - there may be services available that are not listed on the website
For example, at the facility where my mom will live, if you use their 3rd party medical group for primary care, a nurse practitioner will make “house calls” to see her every two months. This will be charged to Medicare and her secondary insurance just as if she had gone to a doctor’s office. It makes her life easier.
Get a copy of the monthly calendar. It will show all of the activities and events, like fitness classes, movies, the pre-requisite bingo, and trips out and about. All of which the residents can choose to partake in - or not.
Wait List
In Wichita, many of the assisted living facilities were full and had a wait list. We lucked out and found a place within our price range that had one opening. We pounced, due to a self-inflicted time crunch (my husband and I are moving abroad). So bear in mind, it’s best to plan ahead as much as possible, because you might be up against a waitlist.
The Move
Documents
Naturally, you will have the agreement paperwork with the assisted living facility. It will spell out things like when the monthly rent is due, pet deposits (yes, some places permit pets), what day to expect housekeeping, etc.
While not absolutely necessary, this would be a good time to create a durable power of attorney for finances - who will be responsible for paying mom’s bills in the event that she can’t. (My mom can no longer keep track of these types of things.)
Equally important is the advanced medical directive - also known as a living will. This document spells out what to do in the event of a catastrophic illness. Does she want resuscitation or not? Who will speak for her in the event that she can’t? Does she want to be kept alive through extreme measures or just made comfortable?
What to Bring?
Furniture. Unlike a nursing home, assisted living communities generally do not provide any furniture. So furniture will need to be brought from mom’s home. While this may seem like a pain in the butt, it does a lot toward making her new place feel more like home. Bring pictures to put on the wall, photo albums, her favorite books and blankets, and the like.
Trust the Staff
Lastly, trust the staff. And I say this more for myself than anyone else. I know I have chosen a good place for her and she will be well cared for. Still, I keep fighting the underlying urge to keep her with me - and guilt for not doing so - even though I logically know doing so would not be good for either of us. I am one person and I get tired. She will have many people to look after her. There have been times I have felt resentful for not being able to have a day off (although I have done my best to keep it from my mom. After all, it’s not her fault.) Our relationship will be better for the distance.
Also, while I know the thought of leaving my home - not to mention our move abroad - is stressful for my mom, I can’t help but notice the way she lights up when she gets to interact with someone besides me. She is craving outside attention whether she realizes it or not.
Conclusion
Moving a parent into assisted living is a huge, emotional step. However, if you can break it down into small steps, and proceed with logic and kindness - both for yourself and your parent - you can get it done without completely losing your mind. I think. I hope. I’ll let you know.
